Communication With Your Team

Ever felt misunderstood as a leader? Or like you’re not sure if your team really gets what you’re trying to say? Ever walked away from a conversation or a meeting wondering, “what just happened?” 

There was once a time in the industrial age where organization’s predominant philosophy on maximizing talent was to recruit the best talent they could find, and then set them in competition with each other. Believing that rub and tension between each other would bring out the best in them. That was the understood best practice to maximize performance. However, in the new world, those who succeed are those who can be highly collaborative and adaptive, and to do that in the context of a team. 

Google spent 2 years and millions of dollars empirically defining what makes the most healthy and highly effective teams, called Project Aristotle. 

Google said that when they looked at their highest performing teams, across the whole of Good worldwide, there were only 2 commonalities: the first was this: in the average team, in the average week, in the average year, each person on the team spoke an equal amount of time in team meetings and they had expectations on how they would communicate with each other. Now, I don’t know about you, but that hit me like a ton of bricks. I have historically talked an inordinate amount of time in group settings and still have that temptation. So I have to constantly ask myself: Is every voice represented here? Whose voice is missing? Who hasn’t said anything yet? Do I really *need* to say this? 

And the other question I ask is: is there psychological safety here? Is it okay to disagree with each other, even the leader? Can we share our opinions in respectful ways, and expect no consequences of that? 

There were two things they discovered in the highest performing teams that were common to everyone: they nailed communication and they nailed trusted relationships. I think our content today will make us stronger in both. 

Communication, at its best, is a 2-way process, of transmitting AND receiving. There’s an awful lot of transmission in our world right now. There’s a lot of speaking, lots of content, less listening. And just because you’re transmitting information into your team doesn’t mean you’re communicating. Communication is where that process of transformation is repeated backwards and forwards. And each person hears what it is you’re trying to say, understands it, & feels safe to wrestle with it a bit, & then responds in a way that shows that they’ve been fully heard. 

When you settle for a new normal, that’s a recipe for contempt. 

• Dr. John Gottman points to the fact that there’s one behavior that predicts divorce with over 90% accuracy: contempt. This is where the relationship has soured so much because of unmet expectations that you’re treating the other with disrespect, mocking with sarcasm, hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking or bad body language.

• And this doesn’t just happen in marriages, it happens in teams where they’ve settled for a new normal and given up hope of long-term unity and health on the team.

What if we are trying to communicate on our teams as well as we know how but the people that we are trying to communicate with are often missing what it is we’re trying to say? What would it be like if I could give others a communication code that would tell them how to read, hear, listen, understand what it was I was trying to say? 

I want to walk through the 5 most common types of team communication. As I go, try to discern which 1 or 2 come most naturally to you—what your default is without even trying. 

So the first one is critique. This is where I say, “I’m about to share something with you, and I want YOU to critique it. I want you to ask me hard questions. I need to know why this won’t work.” So, an invitation to critique is a communication code— it’s an invite for feedback. It’s telling the person, “I can handle this and I need you

Unmet expectations in communication lead to long-term disappointment, resentment, and ultimately settling for a new normal in any relationship. 

Here’s the second: collaborate. You send a communication code, “I want you to collaborate with me—I am inviting you to help shape this idea with me. I need your wisdom. I need your expertise to help make sure we find the absolute best outcome. It’s too early to critique because I don’t even have a strategy—I need you to help me build it!” 

This is humble communication. This is admitting that you need other voices, gifts, personalities to create this. But here’s the trick! You can’t come with all the answers and then just ask for feedback. You need to actually invite people into the process if you’re going to truly ask them to collaborate. 

Here’s the next one: clarify. I have something I want to share with you and I just want to make sure we’re on the same page and understand each other. I’m not asking you to critique what I’m saying, I’m not even asking you to collaborate initially, I’m asking you to clarify that you understand where I’m at and I understand where you’re at. This is, “I heard you say ______. Can you clarify what you meant by that?” I’m not critiquing, I just want to understand. 

• This is straight informational. I, as a leader, found this thing out—whatever it is. A service time change, a new way to park cars, an upcoming sermon series that will impact our group.

• Communicating key information creates high-ownership leaders—leaders who feel and are a part of the entirety of our mission and know what their role is in making it happen. As a leader of leaders,

Here’s the fourth one: care. Care says: I’m struggling right now. I actually need a safe place to process my frustration. I don’t need you to solve this—I just need to know that you’re willing to be fully present with me. Sometimes we need a safe space where someone is not going to judge us on what we say, no one is going to try to fix us or a situation, where someone is willing to be present and express care. 

And lastly: celebrate. Celebrate means: “I’m so encouraged right now, I would love you to celebrate this success with me.” Let’s truly enjoy this moment and not move on too quickly. Let’s celebrate how God has moved and how he has used our team to do it. 

What are you top two default communication codes? Mine are collaboration and critique. Left to my own devices, I will immediately jump into these zones— assuming that the people on the receiving end are asking for that. HA. I’ve learned the hard way, as it turns out, not everyone is interested in hearing my thoughts about an upcoming plan. But I’ve always learned I have to be in tune with what’s not natural to me—celebration, care, and clarity—so that I can make sure to lean into them when I need to and to set up meetings stating what we’re going to be doing, and then making sure things are clear before we all disperse. 

So let’s get practical! Two primary ways I’ve applied this within a team context: 

- For us that means we clearly define where we’re collaborating, when we’re going to critique, and when we’re going to celebrate. Otherwise, we’ll try to combine all 3 (if not 5!) and everyone feels a little confused by the end. 

- This will help give you and your team members language – both ways – for how you communicate with each other. 

- By adopting this on your entire team, you can work together to make sure you’re communicating well with each other, and identify missteps by where you approached a communication with different expectations. 

Bottom line: communication goes better when people know what to expect! 

You break the code for them. Care is one that you, often, will have to tell people when you want them to care. Because what comes out isn’t exactly what you want them to respond to. If you’re transmitting the communication—send in advance what you’re expecting of the other person, instead of assuming they know or expecting them to know. 

Name your meetings to give clarity on what the goal of the meeting is, and what’s expected. 

If you’re on the receiving end, and someone hasn’t clarified for you what code they expect, you can say, “hang on, before I respond, what are you asking me to do with this? Do you want feedback? Do you want to brainstorm? Or do you want me to just listen?” 

I want to encourage you to try this with your team this week—introduce this to them and let them know you want to try this as you communicate with one another and lead them. Clarifying expectations about what to expect in communication is over half the battle! And well worth the effort.