Mental and Emotional Health of a Youth Leader
It was April 10, 2020. The date is important because there were a few things going on in our family during that time: my dad, brother, and sister-in-law had Covid, our kids had been home from school and doing “distance learning” for four weeks, my husband had transitioned to being a high school Zoom teacher and I was a virtual youth minister. We were preparing as a church for our first “virtual Easter” and it all felt so, so sad.
But I couldn’t cry. The adrenaline was going at such a high speed in my body as I tried to problem solve and help and fix and make sure people stayed alive – figuratively and literally.
On my drive home to check on my dad I could feel the tears coming but they just wouldn’t fall. But some of you know the feeling: you so desperately need to cry but you just can’t. So I did what anyone would do: I turned on Dixie Chicks’ 1999 album and blasted “Wide Open Spaces” and “Cowbody Take Me Away” and balled my eyes out.
I cannot explain this to you. I am who I am.
I tell you this story because I think all of us in some way know what it’s like to have emotions pent up in ways we can’t describe, but are coming out in ways we don’t necessarily want. We’ve all been in the place where we surprised ourselves with a reaction to something—asking, “Where did that come from?” or “Why am I sad?” or “Why am I crying?” or “Why am I angry?”
There’s a few times in Scripture where God or a messenger of God’s asks this question of people: why are you here? Why are you crying? Why are you sad? Why are you afraid? I don’t think God actually didn’t know why someone was sad, or why someone was crying, but because questions like that force us to reflect on our behavior draw us inward to our interior lives, and I think God cares a lot about our interior lives.
I’m thinking specifically about the time that Elijah is exhausted, spent, overwhelmed, and frankly, depressed. God gives him what he needs physically through food and a nap, but then Elijah runs and crawls into a dark cave. And then God shows up in a way even Elijah doesn’t expect: through a gentle whisper, and through a question. “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He’s asked this question twice by a soft, gentle voice – God didn’t show up in the earthquake, in the windstorm, or in the fire, but in a gentle whisper, and in a question: “What are you doing here?” Why are you in a cave? Why are you in the dark? Why are you sad?
I don’t think it’s because God didn’t know, but because questions cause us to reflect on our interior sate of being: or mental state and our emotions. God cares about them.
On the other side of the Bible—after Jesus died and was placed in the tomb, Mary Magdelene went to the tomb while it was still dark to find him. She saw that the stone had been removed, so she went running to tell two of the disciples, Peter and John, that Jesus was gone. John and Peter went to look, and when John got there, he looked and saw only clothes, and then Peter went inside and saw the wrapping that had been on Jesus’ head folded up in a corner.
But Mary. Mary stood outside the tomb, crying, and as she was crying, she went to look inside the tomb—into the darkness. And there she saw two angels in white sitting where Jesus’ body had been lying, and they asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?” It sounds so similar to the question God asked Elijah, “Why are you here?” It’s not a passive aggressive question, but it’s a question God already knows the answer to. So why ask it? After she tells them she’s terribly sad because not only was potentially the one person who didn’t think she was crazy just die, now someone has taken his body. When she turns around and runs into Jesus— who she mistakes as a gardener—he asks the same question, “Woman why are you crying?” Because sometimes we have to sit and ask ourselves: why am I here? Why am I crying? Why am I sad? Why am I in the dark? What brought me here?
Years ago in counseling, my counselor gave me a litmus test of sorts to know whether or not I’m in a healthy emotional place. She said: are you crying when you should be, and laughing when you should be? In other words, are you numb or overly sensitive? Are you able to laugh and not take life too seriously, or are you laughing at inappropriate times to try to avoid pain?
I don’t ask myself that because I enjoy thinking about pain—quite the opposite, actually. If there was a competition for ways to escape and avoid painful feelings, I could probably beat you almost every time. I am a pro.
But when we think we’ve mastered this, when we believe the lie that we’re brains on sticks, or that we’re just fine and that we can keep all of our baggage, questions, doubts, fears, and pain in the backseat of our car—we’re in real danger. Sooner or later, no matter how much we try, left undealt with, it will all jump to the front seat and take over the wheel.
Dan Allender says it this way:
“Emotion links our internal and external worlds. To be aware of what we feel can open us to questions we would rather ignore. For many of us, that is precisely why it is easier not to feel. But a failure to feel leaves us barren and distant from God and others. Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality; listening to our emotions ushers us into reality. And reality is where we meet God.” –Dan Allender, The Cry of the Soul: How Emotions Reveal
Our Deepest Questions About God
Our reality is where we meet God. The Psalms remind us and give us permission to lay out our questions, doubts, fears, rage, unfiltered thoughts, praise, celebration, and joy to God.
This is why I love David’s plea to God in one of his most famous psalms:
He’s overwhelmed not with grief but with gratitude and satisfaction because God knows him, claims him. He knows it all: the sadness and joy, fear and lusts, hopes and dreams. He sees the good, bad, and ugly. He knows us thoroughly.
O Lord, you examine me and know me. You know when I sit down and when I get
up; even from far away you understand my motives. You carefully observe when I
travel or when I lie down to rest; you are aware of everything I do. -Psalm 139:1-3
When we know ourselves, we can know more about God. And we are safe with the God who knows all of it. Saint Augustine wrote it this way, “O God, let me know myself, let me know You.” Or in the words of the philosopher Ice Cube: “Check yo self before you wreck yo self.”
Our emotional and mental health don’t just matter to God because we belong to him as his children, but as leaders, we cannot give people what we do not possess. We cannot call people to live lives that reflect his glory in all areas of our lives when we have cut him off from our mental and emotional health. And research proves it to be true: leadership research continues to show that leaders who prioritize mental and emotional health go further and build healthier, more courageous, and more creative teams and cultures.
So what do we want you to do next?
Well, I know that a lot of you are probably coming at this from a different space and there are all kinds of different next steps for all of us, including me. I want to point you to a couple of different things:
Check in with yourself and with someone you trust weekly. When it comes to relational, physical, mental, and spiritual health, how are you doing?
Healthy Leader Assessment – take a few minutes to just gage where you’re at. Head to emotionallyhealthy.org/leadership- Remember, this isn’t a destination to arrive at overnight, but a journey to go on with God and with others.
